Fatherhood is definitely a process. It does not come naturally as some may think. Yes, the part of being a sperm donor to start the process of conception is one thing, but the part of being present to nurture the child from the cradle to the classroom and from the classroom to the corporate boardroom is a whole different ballgame. Understanding the role is one thing, but being able to perform is another thing altogether. I enjoyed growing up around my father. He was very present throughout the years, and at 92 years old he still is very present. I didn't realize how challenging fatherhood was until I became a father myself. The first few years were doable because I loved my wife and respected our marriage and friendship. I put in all my best into the marriage. I woke up one day to find out I did not have what it took to engage our young sons in father-son play, discipline them without anger, and provide the type of guidance they needed to become capable and well-adjusted adults. It took me a while to realize I needed help to be able to deal with these challenging realities of my fatherhood deficits. What I did next may not surprise many. I prayed. Yes, I prayed and asked for divine guidance, and I got it..

Here are five things I learned over the years about being a father:

• Be willing to serve your children as you serve others in the workplace.

Children are the most taken-for-granted population in our society. Because they are little and vulnerable, we dismiss their emotional needs. Listen to your children and choose to meet their needs in ways that are meaningful to them. Play with them following their own rules. Give them a chance to lead from their perspective and everyone will have lots of fun. Learn to serve your children as you serve others.

• Rearrange your work priorities to include your children(family) in the top items:

It is often said that you won't take any of the money with you when you die. That is true. I have watched facilitators at leadership seminars use the rock and sand analogy to talk about priorities. Putting the large rocks in the glass jar first allows you to put the smaller rocks, sand, and water in as well. Your spouse and children, I would say are large rocks that need to go into the glass jar first before the small rocks and sand. Let your employers and co-workers know that your family comes first. It is important for your success in life.

• Discipline your children, do not domesticate them:

Punishing a child may sound like a noble thing to do to drive home a point about behavior change. The best result that comes out of punishing is inflicting pain to deter a child from repeating the behavior. That to me is domestication like an animal. Discipline, on the other hand, is about making a child into a disciple, someone who is learning the principles of life from an expert. Building up a leader involves investing the time to show why the behavior was unacceptable and working to formulate a plan on a better option of behavior. This is a hard and higher road, but it pays great dividends.

• Appreciate the uniqueness of each child you are gifted with.

Every child is different, just as seeds are different one from another. The fact that one child manifests cognitive aptitudes that are worth boasting about and the other manifests kinetic skills that you are not so excited about does not mean one child is better than the other. I learned that the hard way, especially given my African upbringing that values the hard sciences over the arts. I have been proven wrong by my children as they have grown up into successful adults in their chosen fields of expertise. 

• Enjoy your children while you have them around you.

Life is fleeting. The saying, "here today, gone tomorrow" is so true about children. I now have to travel to be able to spend time with my adult children. Of course, there is Facetime, Whatsapp, Zoom, and other video chatting apps to fill in the gaps for physical presence, yet choosing to enjoy your children genuinely while they are with you requires some intentionality and thought. Forty years ago while I was visiting home during a summer break from college, my dad asked if I was home to stay. I responded coldly, "no dad I will never be back to stay, just visiting." Therefore, enjoy your children while they are with you.

My father was physically and emotionally present while I was growing up and we still have a great relationship today. I have been intentional about being present in the lives of my children, both biological and those acquired through social relationships. I believe every father has something children need, even if it is just a set of listening ears. Make yourself available to the children in your life. You will glad you did.